How Do I Approach Conflict?

Conflict is an inevitable part of our lives, both at work and in personal relationships. No matter how hard we try to avoid misunderstandings, conflicts arise because each of us has different needs, values, beliefs, and expectations. But how can we handle conflicts constructively? What can we learn from them, and how can we apply the right strategies to achieve the best outcomes?

Reflecting on a Recent Conflict

When I think about the last conflict I was involved in, I reflect on what my reaction and strategy were. Did I focus on meeting my own needs, or did I try to understand the needs of the other people involved? Typically, the first step I take is to understand why the conflict occurred in the first place.
A crucial question I ask myself is: did I truly understand the other person’s point of view? Was I too busy defending my own position instead of listening and analysing their arguments? Sometimes, it’s only after some time has passed that I realize I could have made a better effort to understand the other party’s intentions and needs.

What Do Conflicts Teach Us?

We can draw valuable lessons from every conflict. The most important questions after a conflict are:

• What did I learn about myself and the other person?
• What emotions did I experience before and after resolving the conflict?

Conflicts are like a mirror that reflects our weaknesses but also the strength we can harness to improve our relationships. Often, it’s these challenging moments that teach us empathy, patience, and negotiation skills.

Emotions in the Process of Conflict Resolution

Before resolving a conflict, we often feel emotions like anger, frustration, or anxiety. This usually stems from a sense of being threatened—after all, our point of view is part of our identity. When someone challenges it, we feel attacked. However, once a resolution is found, especially when it benefits both sides, I feel relief and even satisfaction. Understanding that a conflict can lead to better understanding and stronger relationships brings positive emotions.

Conflict Management Strategies

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to conflict resolution, so it’s essential to know different strategies and apply them according to the situation. The key to effective conflict management is also understanding your own conflict resolution style. The Thomas-Kilmann test, which analyses two traits: assertiveness and cooperativeness, can help you to find your style.

• Assertiveness is the confidence to pursue one’s own goals without succumbing to pressure. Assertive people are not afraid to express their opinions, but they do so without aggression.
• Cooperativeness is the ability to collaborate with others, even if it means sacrificing immediate benefits for long-term relationships.

1. Avoidance (Loose-Loose)

   Low cooperativeness and low assertiveness contribute to avoidance reactions. This strategy involves postponing or entirely avoiding the conflict. It’s effective when the issue isn’t crucial, or emotions are too high to engage constructively. Avoidance can also be useful when more time is needed to gather information.

2. Accommodation (Loose-Loose)

   Low assertiveness and high cooperativeness contribute to accommodative reactions. This approach involves adapting to the needs of the other person. I use this strategy when I aim to build long-term relationships or when I recognize that the other side has better arguments. Accommodation is also useful when the priority is to maintain harmony in a team.

3. Compromise (Loose-Loose or Win-Loose)

   Average assertiveness and average cooperativeness contribute to the occurrence of compromising reactions. Often chosen when time is limited, and parties need to reach an agreement quickly. Compromise means both sides have to give up part of their expectations. It’s effective when reaching some agreement is more important than striving for a perfect solution.

4. Competition (Win-Loose)

   High assertiveness and low cooperativeness contribute to competitive reactions. This is used when quick action is necessary, or when the situation calls for a firm stance. It can be effective in crises, but it carries the risk of damaging relationships. This strategy is useful when we are certain of our position, and there is no room for compromise.

5. Collaboration (Win-Win)

   High assertiveness and high cooperativeness contribute to cooperative reactions. This is the most constructive approach when long-term agreement is the goal. It involves working together to find a solution that satisfies both sides. Collaboration, however, requires time, openness, and willingness to compromise.

Conclusion: Conflict as an Opportunity

While conflict can be difficult and uncomfortable, it can also be beneficial. It can serve as a catalyst for change, better understanding, and personal growth. The key is to choose the right strategy and consciously manage emotions.
Instead of avoiding conflicts, it’s worth approaching them with openness. When we understand that conflict doesn’t have to mean failure but can be the beginning of constructive change, we can gain not only better relationships but also inner peace.

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